Welcome to Buck Bangalore's Better Bachelor Living! As many of you know from his scene-stealing appearance on Continental Records' Hit the Jet Stream with The Penetrators and from his role in Issue #2 of The Adventures of The Penetrators comic books, Buck is one of the Southern Surf Syndicate's finest pilots. But he's more: Agent Bangalore is a world-class international playboy, gourmet cook, ladies' man and lifelong bachelor, by choice. You don't live a life like Buck's without picking up a few tricks along the way. And now, Buck is here to share his secrets with you, not-so-gentle reader, in clear, easy-to-understand, no-nonsense black and white!

Need party tips? Advice on dealing with the ladies? Need the skinny on making your bachelor pad a seduction-den par excellence? Well, you've found the right place. Feel free to email us your questions and comments, and we'll forward them directly to Buck, where he'll get to 'em in good time.

So, read on and pick up the know-how every young man needs, to, as Buck says, "Get in there and knock 'em dead!"

COCKTAIL TIME!
Dear Buck,
I would like to impress a ladyfriend with my bachelor-pad mixology. Do you have a few recommendations (and/or recipes) for the perfect libation?
Thanks,
Jack, Atlanta

Dear Jack,
Thanks for your question. Many people wonder about mixing the right cocktail, and yours is a good question. I have to say right off the bat that I'm no expert in cocktail making. It wasn't so much a decision I made, but the fact is: I'm lazy when it comes to making drinks.

The way I look at it, if you start making girls fancy cocktails once, you'll have to do it again and again. I decided to stick with the basics, rather than spending the rest of my life slicing hard-to-find exotic fruits and burning up blender motors. If you have to dress up a drink with umbrellas, sparklers and half a pineapple, chances are it sucks anyway.

Hollywood would have us believe that the way to a woman's heart is a coy pouty look, fixing exotic cocktails and flinging bottles around like a Hungarian juggler. This hasn't been my experience. She wants a drink? Well, fix her a drink! But for crying out loud, does it have to be so complicated?!

I generally avoid the following: drinks with more than 5 ingredients, drinks named after animals, drinks with a color in the name, drinks which specify a fruit that I don't have in the fridge -- that means beyond lemons and limes. The only other organic entities you need to worry about behind your bar are the olive for martinis, and the onion for a Gibson. There are, of course, exceptions to the above rules, but for me they are just guidelines.

You have to look at the pluses and minuses of what I call "girl drinks." (See The Kids in the Hall sketch "Girl-Drink Drunk") The pluses are: ya can't taste the alcohol. That's it. Minuses: long preparation time, dangerous mixtures (because they cant taste the alcohol, it tends to lead to overdoing it -- possibly resulting in a "sick chick"). Try cleaning up the bathroom after somebody's puked up a "Blue Hawaiian" or a "Strawberry Volcano." Not a pleasant sight (nor smell), my friend.

In my book, the minuses far outweigh the pluses. So: stick to the basics. Suggestions? A classic gin or vodka martini, a scotch and soda, gin and tonic, rum and Coke, bourbon and Coke (particularly during football season) or bourbon and ginger for those with a sweet tooth. In the morning, try Bloody Marys or Screwdrivers -- the vitamin C and vodka will get you rarin' to: get in there and knock 'em dead!

THE WELL-EQUIPPED BACHELOR PAD
Dear Buck,
I'm finally out of the dorm, and have a new apartment. I'm a bachelor college student and am at last going to be living by myself. The main reason for this is to have a place to finally bring home chicks without being interrupted. Any tips on how to set up my place to help me make it a workable bachelor pad?
Tom, Los Angeles

Absolutely, Tom! I remember when I moved into my first college apartment alone. The freedom was amazing, and it gave me free reign to do what I wanted with my life with someone else's (my parents) money. That's something that doesn't happen often and should be enjoyed to the fullest. I learned this stuff from trial and error... so benefit from my mistakes and take my advice. A good apartment is very important, and it needs to have the right things. Some of these are:

A Good Stereo
This nowadays is a no-brainer. No stereo = no fun. What is important is that you should have multiple speaker flexibility to give you the capability to hear your tunes in the bedroom, living room and/or the shower.

TV
Doesn't have to be great, just has to be there.

A Nice Sofa
Sure, its great to have beautiful furniture, but most college guys are on a budget and shop at The Salvation Army store for their furniture, or get their parents' old furniture hand-me-downs. That doesn't matter... what does is that you do have a clean and nice sofa.

An Aquarium
Get one. Put it in your bedroom. It's great for luring chicks into your bedroom under the pretense of, "Oh shit, I forgot to feed my fish!" Whereupon she says, "Wow... you have an aquarium?"

Group Photos
I mean pictures of you in large groups. Next to the aquarium, the group photo is one of the best inexpensive chick-magnets yet invented. If possible, place it on the other side of the bed or easily visible from the hallway. Chicks cannot resist trying to pick you out of a group photo and are drawn to them like bugs to a porch light.

Big Fridge
Usually a bachelor fridge just has a few half-empty jars of condiments, a flat 2-liter Coke and some old pizza in it, but you need a big fridge for beer parties.

Contact Lens Cleaning Solution and Feminine Hygiene Products
No, I'm not kidding. Whether you wear contacts or not, buy this stuff and put it in your bathroom. Many a romantic night was spoiled by the pronouncement that "I can't sleep here because of my contacts." Then I wised up.

Remember to keep your place relatively clean. For girls, a little sloppiness is cute; genuine filth is not. I had some friends in college who were perfectly capable of picking up good-looking women, but their filth-ridden hovel of an apartment kept the chicks at a good distance. The girls that did go in there and have sex with them all turned out to be mentally unstable. Learn a lesson from this.

Hope these little tips help you create the swingin'est of pads! Now: "Get in there and knock 'em dead!"

PUT SOME LIFE IN YOUR PARTY
Dear Buck,
I'm planning on giving a party when college starts back in the fall. My past parties have been OK but not the hits that I wanted. I always seem to get something wrong. Can you give me some advice?
Ron, Georgia

Well, Ron... It's pretty easy to have a good party when you know the right trick, and that is to invite the Right Mix of People. Variety is important.

Who to invite? This is of major importance and can mean a successful soiree, or a gig that emptys out by 10 pm, leaving you with enough pretzels to feed North Korea and a dangerously high volume of beer and booze on hand, which, if not taken care of properly, could lead to a "buckshot" semester. So let's get to that invitee list! Aside from your normal assortment of friends and hangers-on, here's what ya need.

Chicks
Need I say more? Chicks are the difference between a party and a bunch of guys just sitting around drinking. Believe me Ron, I've been there, and there are fewer things more dangerous to your property, health, and neighborhood than a bunch of bored college guys with a large amount of booze and beer on hand. So... let there be chicks! You of course always invite the good-looking girls, and plenty of 'em, but here's a tip... and listen up... invite several ugly chicks. You heard me.

Inviting ugly chicks accomplishes two things. First, you look like a great guy, and secondly.... ugly chicks always, always Ron, have at least one blindingly good-looking friend. That babe is sure to be in tow when the ugly chick comes. Don't forget, Ron, that if you just invite the blindingly good-looking chick she might not come... if her ugly friend isn't invited.

Hippies
No matter how hard you try to keep them at bay, a few of Gerry's legion of the Grateful Un-Dead will show up. Try to keep it to an ultra-minimum. Too many and they'll take over the stereo, and you could spend the rest of the evening listening to extended guitar "jams" and the ever-irritating chat about concerts and how "even though Gerry's dead, the band isn't." A few hippies feeling out of place and uncomfortable is always good for a laugh. And later when they get drunk (or stoned) they are highly suggestible, and can provide hours of (their) death defying entertainment.

Old Weirdos
Every college town has 'em Ron, and I'm sure yours is no exception. By old weirdos, I don't mean mentally ill old-age pensioners or geriatric dribblers, I mean the old cool guys who still hang around college towns because they had such a great time in college they think it can last forever... and for some of them it does! Quite often these Old Weirdos can be found right on the faculty of your university.

Invite one... and one only! They'll regale you with stories of the old days, and will probably do something hilarious before the night's over. A suggestion, though. Make sure the old weirdo you invite has good hygiene. Good hygiene is often the difference between perceiving an old weirdo as just a zany old loon or seeing him as a menacing, dirty psychopath. The latter will clear out your party quicker than a live hand grenade.

Tree-Huggers/Peaceniks
This is a sub-section of the hippy category. Invite only one. Snicker when he/she expresses his/her views. Talk about eating those big bloody steaks you grilled out earlier, and what a gas it is that Nike is getting revenge for us losing in Vietnam. Great laughs!

Incompatible Girls
Man, Ron... this is by far the best part. Invite one very incompatible pair of chicks. By that I mean two girls who hate each other. It's best when they are competing for the same guy. Or better yet, when one has screwed the other one's boyfriend. Get 'em both drunk. Sit back and relax, and the next thing you know, REOWWWWW...PFFFFT PFFFFT!!! Catfight! Ron, entertainment of this quality cannot be manufactured, and is well worth any broken glass you may incur.

Whoopers
...are a party mainstay. You know the type. They are generally overweight and sweat profusely in any temperature over 35 F. They are often chain-smokers, and hang out with the binge drinkers (see Funnelmen), so they aren't likely to live very long, which is probably why they are living it up while they can.

Whoopers are the ones who go around yelling "Whooooooo! Party!" and demanding high-fives and/or head-butts. These are unavoidable nuisances, but sometimes keep up the good mood of a party. There is a different sort of math with Whoopers. Keep them at a minimum, but remember: one is bad, but two are better -- the reason being that Whoopers tend to gravitate to each other, and will keep each other occupied. One Whooper is just an annoyance.

Funnelmen
Funnelmen, or the "Beer Bong Boys," as they are known, are also a party mainstay. If it is your house you better keep the Funnelmen outside with the beer bong. More than one intrepid party-goer has blown his lunch after a few pulls on the beer bong, and the Funnelmen are not the type to clean up the mess. Funnelmen are great to have at parties... when it's not your house. If it's your house, beware! Also note: Under all circumstances keep your date, girlfriend or pickup target away from the Funnelmen, or you could end up with a "Sick Chick"! I'll cover that later.

Exchange Student
What college party is complete without an exchange student? Exchange students are loads of laughs, especially when they are drunk. Faulty English grammar and goofy grins make them often interchangeable with "The Cute Animal," but remember again, the hygiene rule applies!!! One word of warning: When discussing goofy exchange students, I am referring to primarily Third World types.

Do not, under any circumstances, invite the following: Scandinavian athletes, Germans who look like Panzer tank commanders or good-looking South Americans. These are threats to your chick target-environment, and most importantly, they don't play by the rules 'cause they'll be gone in a year anyway! If in doubt about your exchange student and you begin to feel threatened, then send him to the Funnelmen to "show us how the sissies in your country drink." (Again, this will not work with Russians, Scandinavian athletes or German tank-commander types... you will be met with a chuckle and a "Vatch dis, poozies! Glug glug glug glug glug... Ahhhhh... HOW YOU LIKE DAT, HUH??!! Now is your turn!")

An animal
Have a cute animal on hand. Chicks love cute animals. If things get dull, get him out of his cage and show him off. When things liven up, chuck him back in his cage or room or you run the risk of an animal-on-the-loose in a room full of drunks. Generally, drunks and animals don't mix well (except for dogs, which seem tailor-made for drunks), so keep an eye on the situation. Again, hygiene is important... remember, chicks only like animals if they don't smell bad, so if you have a dog, plop him in the tub before the big shindig.

Well Ron, I hope that helps. Having the right mixture of people at your party is just like a cocktail. Mixed right, it's a wonder to behold. Mixed poorly, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. So start inviting for that back-to-school wing-ding and... "Get in there and knock 'em dead!"

SICK CHICKS!!
Dear Buck,
It's a fine line between getting a girl drunk enough to go home with you and getting her too drunk. Any advice on what to do if she gets TOO drunk?
Neil, Washington

Well Neil,
If you're a young and active bachelor, sooner or later it's gonna happen to you. You thought you'd be clever and get her drunk.... you thought it would give you that extra edge and make her say, "Let's go back to your place." But it didn't, it just made her say, "Ughhhh... I don't feel so good."

Face it, you've got one on your hands a SICK CHICK!!! As Dennis Hopper said in that all-time classic of crap summer movies Speed, "You've got a girl in your apartment or car and she's feeling sick... she's gonna explode and spew vomit everywhere in a matter of seconds... Whattaya do?... WHATTAYA DO?!!" Well, actually, he didn't say that, but if that Point Break guy had gotten that girl really drunk (the one that drives the bus), he probably would have.

Well anyway, you have to act fast, so let's look over the options:

GET HER OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!
Move! Move! Move! Speed is of the essence here my friend. But be careful, and don't jostle. One false move and "Thar she blows!" Get her to a safe area, and I don't mean a bathroom. She can't aim for the toilet, 'cause she's seeing three or four of the damn things! There's no telling where she'll lose it.

And Neil, cleaning up a bathroom with a hangover is no fun either, pal. I suggest taking her outside, under the pretense of her "getting some fresh air." The main thing is to put distance between a churning alcohol-filled stomach and your valuable possessions. Any rude behavior on your part is likely to be forgotten in her drunken haze, so don't worry. Just be sure to call her the next day and compound her guilt and embarrassment to deflect any repercussions from remembered rude behavior.

OMIGOD, I'M LOCKED IN THE CAR WITH HER!!!!
A real dicey situation, and not at all pleasant. You don't have many options here, buddy. Pull over pronto! If you aren't driving, yell: "Pull over NOW! NOW! Oh God, she's gonna puke in your CAR!!!" If that doesn't do it, I don't know what will. Let's say you are in a situation which won't allow you to pull over. You'll have to resort to emergency measures. I don't recommend this, but it's been done successfully on a number of occasions. If you have a manual roll-up window (do NOT do this with an electric window), then have her stick her head out the window, then deftly roll the window up far enough to keep her head out "in the fresh air," and then pull over as soon as possible.

Also, guys... if her head's out of the window, do her a favor... drive slowly! Otherwise, she could end up looking like one of those wind-tunnel films where the guy's cheeks start flapping in the breeze, and she ends up looking like she ejected from an F-14. If she vomits on the outside of your car, wash it soon. I'm NOT joking about this! Stomach acids play hell on a good paint job, but it's still preferable to an "interior explosion".

THE NOBLE BONEHEAD
She's a special girl. You'd like to take her out again, and you know that if you don't treat her right then you'll never have another chance with her again. Time to play the "Noble Bonehead." Treat her gently, and lead her to the bathroom. Hold her gently over the toilet as she proceeds to empty the contents of hours of heavy drinking (paid for by you, probably) into your can. Also, guys -- don't try to cop a feel while she's barfing. That's really beyond low, plus if she remembers, she's likely to get revenge.

Get a cold rag and place it on her head. Tell her that it's okay that she missed the toilet on the third heave... and no, don't bother... you'll clean it up in the morning. Sure, you feel like a sap, and you've got hours of revolting cleaning ahead of you, BUT... she'll never forget this (and if she tries, don't let her). Play your cards right in a situation like this, and you could net a girlfriend that will clean up your messes dozens of times... consider it an investment.

AIN'T MY PLACE!
If none of your stuff is threatened... relax! Let her puke where she wants. Knock yourself out, Mandy! She can clean it up later.

THE DRUNKEN GOURMET
Dear Buck,
I guess I'm like a lot of single guys, in that I'm not much of a cook. I don't even LIKE to cook. What sucks is when I get the munchies in the middle of the night, the pizza place has stopped delivering, and I'm starving!! Give me some snack advice, please. I need it easy to fix. Thanks.
Jay, Lousiana

Dear Jay:
Okay, you've been out late, and you've just returned home. Then it hits you: "Man, I'm so hungry! But I'm too drunk to drive anywhere to get some food!" Bummer, isn't it? If you have any leftovers in the fridge, consider yourself fortunate and chow down. If you don't you'll have to whip up a little late-night delight.

Poor judgement and hunger brought on by hours of heavy drinking can lead to a late night cook-o-rama. The meals prepared under these circumstances are often the most bizarre concoctions known to mankind... the kind of stuff that makes a school cafeteria or army mess-hall meal look like dining at the finest restaurant in New Orleans. I usually try to have leftovers or a frozen pizza on hand, but sometimes ya just gotta cook!

Word of warning: try to cook something that requires active participation. Beware of falling asleep with food in the oven. Waking up in a smoke-filled apartment with a flaming "Hungry Man Dinner" in the oven is not good. It's a good way to stink up your apartment for months to come, and in the worst-case scenario, it's a good way to burn your apartment down and leave you (should you escape with your life) looking wet and bedraggled trying to explain to the fire chief that you were "hungry and just wanted a little late-night feast"

The key is to have food reserves for this eventuality. Canned foods are good, as are frozen foods. These can be put on a plate or in a bowl and chucked in the microwave. (Remember to remove all packaging!! No metal!!) The microwave is doubly good because it's: 1. quick, and 2., usually won't cause food to combust if done wrong.

If you don't have any prepared food reserves, you'll have to give your creativity full reign and create a meal from the ingredients you have at hand. Spanky Twangler, for instance, has been known to eat Nacho Doritos with peanut butter, as well as popcorn and canned Hormel Chili!! I know some of you readers have a favorite late-night feast, so e-mail us and tell us about your kitchen wizardry... we may even post your recipe. Remember, originality is important, and it must be edible (when inebriated)!

Bon Appetit,

BUCK BANGALORE'S HANDY GUIDE TO GIRLFRIENDS
Sooner or later you're gonna end up with a girlfriend. Sometimes ya just gotta have one. But be informed before you shop, cause the wrong one can spell disaster! I have included a few categories for you bachelors to help familiarize you with all of the basic girlfriend types.

The Mom
You'll probably not start out with one of these, but you'll more than likely end up with one somewhere along the line. I'll avoid any references to Oedipus and other psycho-sexual babble and get straight to the point. The Mom-type has her good points and bad ones. Some of the good points are that she does your laundry, irons, cooks and cleans -- no mean feat in an age where most chicks can screw up a TV dinner.

You may think you're in heaven, but watch out... when you start hearing things like, "You're not going to wear that? Are you?" or "How many times have I told you to take out the garbage?" don't be surprised. She won't put up with late night drinking. Your buddies will become "bad influences"... she'll start dressing you like a J. Crew catalog model, or worse... her dad. And, she may even try to take over the music in the house (this is really bad). Be warned!

Fun Girl
Alllriiiiight! Remember the Fun Girls From Mount Pilot on The Andy Griffith Show? Well, they do exist in real life! She'll party at the drop of a hat, and is always good for a laugh. She'll hang out with the guys, and she listens to cool music. She may be able to even drink you under the table! She believes in casual sex and doesn't get mad if you go to sleep afterwards! The problem with Fun Girls, you may ask? Plenty! Hang out with this one long enough and you may become a full-blown alcoholic within a few months. She can also usually talk you into doing things you'd never do in a million years. This can lead to public humiliation and/or your arrest and subsequent incarceration.

If you get arrested because of her, don't expect her to bail you out... by the time her phone's ringing from your allowed one phone call, she's probably already sleeping with one of your friends.

Quiet Girl
"Doesn't say much... kinda quiet and shy... and if she speaks at all she'll just say, "Hi." With apologies to Jimmy Dean, no this isn't Big John... it's the Quiet Girl. Her advantages? Well for one, she'll keep her mouth shut while you're watching football, she doesn't give you much back-talk, she'll probably never embarrass you at a party, and if you take her home to meet your family, your mom will like her 'cause she won't interrupt her during one of her marathon motherly monologues.

The drawbacks? You never know when she's angry... VERY dangerous. She could pop a gasket if you're not careful. Hanging out with her can be like months in solitary confinement... you may begin to hunger for a noisier form of human contact. Plus... she may be a psycho. If you think you may have angered her, sleep lightly.

The Dingbat
She giggles a lot. She's probably cute, and may even be good in the sack... but... she's a Dingbat. Dingbats, however cute and endearing, will eventually drive you nuts. They still don't understand football, can't figure out how simple things like lighters work, and are so inept at operating and using things they could break a bowling ball. If you leave her with any of your pets for an extended period of time, prepare for an animal funeral upon your return. She cannot cook... she could burn a poached egg.

Keep her away from your stereo, and don't let her drive your car under any circumstances. So why date a Dingbat? Well for one they are easily suggestible, and with a little cajoling and cunning may let you do things to and with her that no other girl you know would ever agree to... 'nuff said.

Little Ms. Attitude
She thinks she's hot stuff... and she probably is, but she knows it, and that spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E. This one will push you to the limits. She'll use sex as a tool. "Do it my way or else." She'll constantly humiliate you in front of your friends, and she'll tell her best friends and even her hairdresser every intimate detail about you. She doesn't care whether you stay or go. But she knows you'll stay, 'cause you can't get it anywhere else. Or so she thinks. Repress the desire to punch her. No violence... although you will be sorely tempted.

The only good thing about dating one of these is telling her to "hit the road, jack" -- take a hike, get outta my life (preferably in a public place in front of her friends). So why ever date one in the first place? We all know the answer. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The Bod
When she walks into a room jaws hit the floor. She's got a body that makes Jessica Rabbit look like k.d. lang. She's The Bod. She could fit into any of the other categories but she has special characteristics, the down-side being that she can make you do virtually anything she wants.

The up-side is that if you take her home to your parents, your old man will probably say something like "Jeeez Louise... where the hell did you find that?" He's liable to give you money to "show her a good time," and he'll sleep great knowing that he doesn't have a homo or a total loser for a son. Do not underestimate the benefits of having your dad thinking of you in "chip off the old block" terms.

And the most important thing: The Bod looks and feels great naked.

Creepy Chick
She wears black. She has multiple piercings, and probably several tattoos and keeps strange and exotic pets. Every day is Halloween for this one: she's a Creepy Chick. The up-side is that she's actually pretty good fun, generally has a sense of humor, and it's very difficult to freak her out. The down-side is, every date with her is like going out with Morticia Addams... okay for a fantasy fling, but a bit disturbing in the long run.

Also, she may be into the occult... this can get pretty bizarre. You may be one of her experiments. Also, if you bring her home to show your parents, it better be at the end of October or you'll have some explaining to do. Any other time of the year and it could possibly give your mother a stroke or a crippling nerve disorder. And that will piss off your dad.

The Complainer/Nag
The problem with this one is that you don't notice until it's too late. She's a complainer or nagger, and she has no redeeming qualities. No amount of sex can compensate for the hell she will make your life.

"This drink isn't right."

"Get the waiter to bring us some new silverware. This has spots on it."

"The dog dribbled water on the floor and I'm not cleaning up after an animal."

"Tell the waiter to turn down the air-conditioner. It's too cold in here."

"You're driving the wrong way. This isn't the way I drive."

"Slow down. You're driving too fast."

If this sounds familiar then you could be in big trouble. My advice is to get rid of her. Ditch her as fast as you can. If you don't, you will become a sniveling toady to her every whim, a miserable excuse for a human being, or you could snap like a postal worker. Both are very bad. Remove yourself from the situation ASAP!

The Dream Girl
She's out there, guys: the perfect woman for you. But where? That's the tough part. You'll probably have to go through some pretty trying times to find her, but... patience. It is possible however, that by the time you've found her, you're living in a nursing home but... be patient.

'Til next time,